TV Show / Program Quotes

[lazario]

These quotes can be from 1 individual episode (like a Special or something) or from 1 television show.


Mine:

"Racehorse and donkey: once you've figured it out, the whole world makes sense."

"Where are you going?"
"New York."
"Oh? I didn't think they let people with drug convictions in."
"Darling, it's not a conviction..."
"Just a firm belief."

"Yes, be careful. At her age, the flesh slides off the bone like a well-cooked chicken."

"How come when she put the phone to her ear all I could hear was the ocean?"

"The last mosquito that bit me had to book into the Betty Ford Clinic."

"You want the full sulfuric acid skin-stripper: it's the total beauty experience."

"On my honor..."
"(NAME)'s honor? Send out a search party."

"I want total sensory deprivation and back-up drugs!"
"Believe me, she's much happier unconscious."

"Let's get celebritied-up."

"What's happened to your face?! You look like a zombie!"
"She still has emotions, you know. She just doesn't have to pay for them in wrinkles."
"I'm happy about that. Can you tell?"
"No."
"Money well spent."
"Do you know what that stuff is?! They make it upport and down, it was developed for use in Iraq!!"
"If it's good enough for Saddam, it's good enough for us!"
"Yeah, why shouldn't we share our beauty secrets?"

"You know, when I heard (NAME) was pregnant with you, I told her to abort! Abort! Abort! Abort! I said, 'chuck it down the pan! Bring me..."
"A knitting needle?"
"A knitting needle!"

"My life is like a constant winter!"
"Yeah, well she never thawed out."
"I'll bet she has her periods in cubes."

"Alex... this is the mood board for the next edition: Sex-bitch!! Aristo! Sex!! Punk!! Whore!! Bitch!!"
"Prossie!"
"Prossie!! Lesie!! Punk!! Tart!!
"Slut!!!"
"Slut!! Oh, but..Alex... with lovely shoes."
"Oh, yes."

"Have you eaten?"
"No, not since 1973."

"In the whole world... there will never be anyone as fat as you!!"

"I don't want more choice- I just want nicer things!"

"Later today, we will take an in-depth look at acute schizophrenia from 9:20 to 9:23. And then... what else but euthanasia?!"

"Inside of me- there is a thin person screaming to get out."
"Just the one, dear?"

"It's like an endless stream of old music, new music! Old music, new music! Fashion! Fashion! Music, music, music, music! It's like I've got a mirrorball spinning around inside my head. Why won't it just stop?!"
"For most people your age, it does."

"With any luck, we'd get Roman Polanski interested in you."
"She was never young enough for him."

"Why not just have a Stupidity Tax? Just tax the stupid people!"
"LET THEM DIE!!!"

"One child punishes you by leaving, the other one punishes us all by staying!"

"This is so Sex and the City."
"I hate that show."
"I'm Sarah Jessica Parker!" (laughing) "What?"
"You're still too fat!"

"In Buddhist, obviously, when I do it properly."
"What is it- some sort of Cosmic Cash Machine?"

"I know the kind of play you will've written...Probably make Mommie Dearest look like Winnie-the-Bloody-Pooh!"

"(Name)..."
"Yes, (Name)?"
"You have no morals, darling."

"That is so degrading to women!"
"What do you mean? She's got the whip."

"I make the crap into credible. I make the dull into..."
"Dul...licious!"

"Menopause can be a very exhilarating and positive experience for a woman."
"Ooh, yes. And the curse is a blessing and childbirth is painless."

"I am now paying for old people to eat cake?!"

"Everybody's a nobody in a bikini."

"I don't speak to her anymore... Not after she gave me that chemical peel."
"Well... it wasn't so much chemical..."
"No."
"And... not so much peel..."
"Mm mm."
"She set fire to your pigtails."
"It's a good job, I'm thick skinned... Except for this shoulder..."

"Black matter is dragging us all towards eternal dalmatian... And before long we will all be cloned and turned into sheep. So, to avoid this fate, I am being picked up by a spaceship that is hidden in the tail of an approaching comet. That'll be them buzzing now."

[Evil Dave]

Are these all from the same show? Are we supposed to try to guess?

[lazario]

Um, yes. The reason I put so many there is because it's a TV show.

[Evil Dave]

Okey doke. It is "Absolutely Fabulous!" The sarcasm and quote about the knitting needle is what gave it away. Poor Saffy..............

Friggin' GREAT show! I never thought I would have liked it, but after hearing my sister telling me for several years that she was sure I'd love it, I finally caved and checked it out. Really glad I did!

[lazario]

I always liked it because of how nasty it was. And of course the references to things like Cronenberg's The Fly and Eraserhead only help it out more. The 4th series was my introduction - and it was all needles, breaking bones, nightmare sequences, freaky disorienting close-ups, clubbing, screaming angry British women drinking and smoking and doing all sorts of drugs (in America, it's pathetic and trite, but when the English do it, for some reason it's just charming and amusing!), and completely absurd quotes and writing. It's half satire, half slapstick.

[Evil Dave]

Alright, here's my first contribution. It's my favorite TV "drama" of all time:


1.
- "Any more gunplay gets answered. You call the law in Sampson, you don't get to call it off just cause you're liquored up and popular on payday."

2.
- "Separate rooms, I'll arrange that by tomorrow, but today I can't fix it, unless you kill a guest."

3.
- "God rest the souls of that poor family..................Alright, pussy is half-price for the next fifteen minutes!"

4.
- "You'd like a blowjob while I talk at you?"
- "No, thanks."
- "I wasn't offering personally, Your Honor."

5.
- "What's your name? Jack, ain't it?"
- "Yes sir! Buy me a drink, and I'll make my mark."
- "Stick around Jack, and I'll make mine on you."
- "What's that supposed to mean?"
- "Means there's a horse waiting for you outside you'll want to get on before somebody murders you who gives a fuck about right and wrong..........Or I do. It's the paint, there. Right outside of my joint."
- (sits dumbfounded)
- "Run for your fucking life!" (whispered)

4.
- "Pain or damage don't end the world. Or despair or fucking beatings. The world ends when you're dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man...........and give some back."

5.
- "Tread lightly........He who hopes for pussy."

6.
- "My bicycle masters boardwalk and quagmire with aplomb. Those that doubt me... suck cock by choice."

7.
- "Oh, don't be tellin' me how to talk in my own fuckin' joint! And here's my counter-offer to your counter-offer..............Go FUCK yourself!"

8.
- "You know the sound of thunder ma'am?"
- "Yes, I do."
- "Could you imagine the sound if I asked it of you?"
- "Yes, sir, I could."
- "Your husband and I had this talk. I told him to head home to avoid a dark result, only I didn't say it in thunder................Listen to the thunder ma'am."

9.
- "This is God's purpose, but not knowing the purpose is my portion of suffering."
- "Reverend, if this is His purpose...........then He is a son of a bitch!"

10.
- "If I bleat when I speak it's because I just got fuckin' fleeced!"

11.
- "I spoke of looking out for an axe and a saw, and if I got 'em, they wouldn't be applied to buildin' nothin'. Anyways, would you want a free fuck?"

12.
- "I am a sinner that does not expect forgiveness. But I am not a government official."

13.
- "Sure you wanna quit playing, Jack? The game's always between you and getting called a cunt. That dropped eye of yours looks like the hood on a cunt to me, Jack. When you talk, your mouth looks like a cunt moving!"
- "I ain't gonna git in no gun fight with you." (trembling)
- "But you WILL run your cunt mouth at ME! And I will take it.....................to play poker."

[tsmooth31]

never seen the show in my life but im gonna go deadwood..

im not even exactly sure if thats the right name of the show im thinking

[Evil Dave]

You are correct sir! You should deff check it out sometime. I know you'd like it.

[tsmooth31]

yea i have always had my eye on it..and hell if its even as half as good as walker texas ranger id be happy..i say half as good because we all know nothing can touch walker

[Evil Dave]

It's from HBO, so they can be as violent & bloody as they want! I know everybody's ga-ga over The Sopranos, but IMO Deadwood is much better.

[tsmooth31]

never saw Sopranos either...i dont have hbo tho..deadwood always looked more appealing outta the 2 shows to me tho

[Evil Dave]

I know you like some good fighting. Check this one out from Deadwood: video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4187016369661062346&q=deadwood+fight+dan+captain+turner&total=2&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=0
You won't see eye gouging that sweet anywhere else! Deff one of my favorite scenes from the whole series. It takes a while to get going, but be patient. It's well worth the wait!

[tsmooth31]

ooo yea that was nice..that old fat guy was a dirty fighter tho haha

[Evil Dave]

I wonder what that's like getting your eye popped out like that? Would you see double, or would it just be blurry and unfocused? ;D

[tsmooth31]

prob wouldnt be seeing much of anything

[Evil Dave]

If anybody's interested, here's another clip I find particularly amusing: www.youtube.com/watch?v=W2Cj5usuA-Q Guess it's good to be the owner of a whorehouse, huh? ;D

[lazario]

I hate the Sopranos!

[Evil Dave]

I like the Sopranos, but I didn't deify it like a lot of other people. For me, Deadwood was better all around.

[lazario]

The Sopranos just plain sucks. I've seen it, it's stupid. Just because it's about gangsters and people from Boooowoston or New Yoowwwick with thick accents, they think it's an authenic Italian experience. It's just a lame, pandering, poorly made trash show.

[lazario]

"Is this a piece of your brain?"

"A satisfied customer. We should have him stuffed."

"Are those lambs ours?"
"Not yet."
"Excuse me! There are two lambs here."
"I'll have them removed if they're bothering you."

"Did you ever see that film How to Murder Your Wife?"
"How to Murder Your Wife..."
"Yes, awfully good. I saw it six times."

"Ooh! My head!"
"Has it come away?"

Do you remember when we were first manacled together? We used to laugh quite a lot."
"Yes, but not at the same time."

"And what do you do if you don't like duck?"
"Well, if you don't like duck... you're rather stuck."

"Didn't God give you eyes?"
"Yes, but I don't use them because it wears the batteries out."

"He's very clever. Rather highly strung."
"Yes, he should be."

"Well, might I ask what you expected to see out of a (CUT OUT) bedroom window? (CUT...)"
"I expect to be able to see the sea."
"You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky."
"I'd need a telescope to see that."
"Well, might I suggest moving to a (CUT) closer to the sea. Or preferably in it."

"Ow! He hit me on the head!!"
"No, You hit him on the head! You naughty moose."

"Where are you going?"
"We're leaving!"
"Oh, don't! Please stay. You'll like it here."
"I've never been in such a place in my life!"
"You... you snobs! You stupid, stuck up, half-witted, toffee-nosed, upper class piles of... puss!!"

"If you bother me again, I shall visit you in the small hours of the night and put a bat up your nightdress."

"I've seen more intelligent creatures than you swimming on their backs at the bottom of ponds! I've seen better organised creatures than you running 'round farm yards with their heads cut off!"

"I'll put an ad in the papers: Wanted: kind home for enormous, savage rodent."

"Right! Well, obviously, if there was a fire, you would all be standing down here like this, right here in the lobby. Wouldn't you? I don't know why we bother. We should let you all burn."

"Sounds like somebody machine-gunning a seal."
"The heat?"
"No. My wife's laugh."

"2 dead, 25 to go!"

"Why don't you have another vat of wine, dear?"

"You're awful cheery this morning."
"Well, one of the guests has just died."
"You are wicked!"

"I know nothing!"
"I'm gonna send you to a vivisectionist."